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deciding [Dec. 26th, 2006|09:11 pm]
the only way i know to go is because who i am is telling me to go. some people would call this intuition. my intuition is imagined as the ocean, and even something like the ocean which is miles and miles away from the dreamed of destination is urging me to go.
I stare out at the tall dark trees that i have loved for so long despite my nativity to the northwest, and they tell me that they will wait, that they will still be hear.
ive been trying my best to listen to the soul of the world because its the one way i know to communicate to all beings. all things.
i try to imagine what my new life could look like. a dry desert with tall peaks, little water, no forest enclosing me. me alone to listen to the world. i don't think i know anyone else so alright with being completely isolated and alone for such a large amount of time. 6 months, 40 miles from paved road, 70 from the closest town. the silence of the desert has callled to me for such a long long time and i don't feel that i can resist it any longer. everything that i love will still be here in the northwest when i return.
life is urging me, pushing me to release my grasp. I am being told so loudly to LET GO of everything that i care for and love. I feel such an immense power, i feel such an immense courage. i feel like i am totally releasing everything. it feels fucking scary.
i get instances of doubt. my mind will think, "but what about this?" what about that? i'll miss this and that, i won't be able to do that. then clarity comes in and i see only the importance of going, not the importance of what i'm leaving behind.
i know that the one and only thing making me so brave is trust. I trust so completely where i am being led, because everything is whats leading.