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a bizarre death reality [Dec. 14th, 2006|09:56 pm]
there is no "i", no seperate self. "I" am all, energy and consciousness. if this is everything and i am everything then i am you and i am that plant in the window and there really is no "i" and this means this "i" loses attachment to everything that it is attached to because the I would be everything, all things. even the telephone. so that everything is a manifestation of one energy and power that my being is tapped into and can access, if only "i" am aware of my connection to this energy- a realization that i am this energy.
there could be a seperate self- i have made a seperate self- an identity, an image of "who i am", but really who i am is an interconnected energy making a whole- making a universe and this is perfection and this is all and when we die, we go back to this knowledge and are whole, within everything.

there is a strong feeling of despair and pain, but a stronger feeling of unitedness and love. thrown out of the reality there once was, now finding ourselves in a completely new sense of space and time and feeling. grief has us weighted so that eyebags puff and bodies linger. finding a bean bag chair, two nuts, and a book filled with wisdom and psychedelic drawings. drowning out the ego. surrendering, trying to accept. dreaming of nothing, waking to rain soaked days, tears, and a open house with lots of food. the lights twinkle, knitting and making hats and thoughts take up long, hard days.

this is as transitional as it gets. caught in the middle between death and life. story telling about cider (she misses luke)
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(no subject) [Dec. 3rd, 2006|12:16 pm]
because my mother is sick, i keep having to be told of her death. It feels like i just keep being told over and over, your mother is dead, your mother is dead. then sometimes (though rare these days), your mother is alive. its so hard to be fluctuating between the two so much. Its an awful thing to say, but i wish so badly to have one or the other. it weighs on me so much to have to wait for death. it weighs on her so much to have to wait, to not really know. hearing my fathers tears on some fucking distant cellphone kills me. murders me in that moment. and all i can really do is to calm myself and send them all of my own love and strength.
i feel like shes so ready and so not ready all at once. i feel like the moment she totally surrenders to death, that she will die and the only thing keeping her here right now is goodbyes and fear.
i have my own opinions on death. i dont know if they are different from hers. but i am also not the one dieing and not the one with all of that fear that she must have inside of her.
seeing her at home, i know how weak she is, how tired and sick of all of these changes in her health. i know she wwants to go walking and she wants to knit and she wants to be apart of this world.
i know that there are endless secrets within me that will soon be uncovered. they all relate to how much of my mother resides in myself.
i am sorry for the intensity of this post. i dont know how to write except to be honest. and honesty is bringing out deep inside emotions.
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aint it just like the night to play tricks when you're trying to be so quiet [Dec. 2nd, 2006|06:08 pm]
[Current Mood |drunkdrunk]
[Current Music |visions of joanna- bob dylan]

even though my life right this very second is so utterly beautiful and joyful that it blinds me with its love and radiance, my mind can't help but be conquered by the past. the past being persuasive and convincing,creating a false identity. I cant honestly say that then was better than now. id have to say now is better than ever, in a bizarrely connected way. i feel like everything is being dropped off a huge cliff so that all that remains is..... me. me and the desert.and i just have to stand at the edge and watch everything fall and be destroyed, its one of the most odd feelings in the world, letting go of everything youve grasped so tightly for all your life.
i find myself in such a loving place where my creativity, all of it, surfaces in so many unique ways. and i just laugh and laugh and let go of so much fear that when i come to the top of a cliff, i just jump off of it without even thinking about it. i am releasing so much fear right now. and the crazy thing is that there is still so much left to release.
schuyler comes into my head a lot. past visions that no longer exist, making me unconscious in the moment. making me think of his touch while i roll in someone elses arms. all i want right now is to release all my fear, to release all that is left of schuyler inside of me and to completely and totally embrace everything that is me RIGHT NOW. thats where my power is.
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the lover who has just walked out your door has taken all his blankets from your floor [Nov. 29th, 2006|06:25 pm]
[Current Mood |in love]
[Current Music |desolation row- bob dylan]

leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you.
forget the dead youve left, they will not follow you
the vagabond whose rapping at your door
is standing in the clothes that you once wore
strike another match go start anew.

i keep feeling like im coming into a pivotable moment in my life, but really its all changing. i walked through thick olympia snow today and wanted to totally encompass myself and identify myself with the snow and with winter. i felt upset because i know that its not going to be this way for long, but then i remembered that i just need to appreciate it now, right now, because who cares if i dont have it tomorrow.
i get glimpses of what life would be like without an ego. i try to practice living this way but it doesnt ever last long. i dont know if i keep practicing maybe it will be easier. i want to live without limitations, i want to know and feel always the freedom that i have, the limitless capabilities that lie out there for me. i want to do everything and feel everything. its hard standing still right now, even though im not.
everything is changing. it will never be the same again. i accept this, i totally accept this moment. i offer no resistance.
i am ready to fall in love with this moment. i am ready to experience everything,i think im ready to be back at Evergreen. there is a lot coming my way, real soon.

i am madly in love with bob dylans words.
here comes everything.
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(no subject) [Nov. 28th, 2006|02:41 pm]
[Current Mood |hardcore]
[Current Music |grateful dead- hard time]

my brothers fill a space in my life that has been wanting to be filled for a long time. I wish that they lived closer to me, i wish that i could spend a lot more time with them.
My life style is getting progressively more athletic. I can't not move. i walk everywhere. and my brothers moved this along swiftly this weekend. nonstop sports, all that ive been trying to play for such a long time. disc golf, snowboarding was so amazing. male energy pusing me to use my body in unique ways. i love male energy, its so different.
schuyler played a similar role in my life, always pushing me and my body to work in ways that i wasnt used to. and teaching me the whole time. schuyler taught me how to throw a frisbee, he taught me that i could ride my bike a lot longer than i thought i could. i love being pushed like that because it just makes me realize how much potential my body has.
i feel like i can do anything right now.
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home in seattle [Nov. 25th, 2006|10:18 pm]
[Current Mood |nostalgicnostalgic]

Here I am, in the home that I grew up in. It blows my mind everytime i return. I am different each time i come back, and yet I always am able to find my past self through these walls, through these people, through these rooms. through the back door.
and out into the back yard where my father's garden rests in beds and birds live in tree condo's
I always manage to find something new in my yard. This time a Hawthorne tree with thick winter red berries that the birds love to eat. I bless the tree every time i stand underneath its thorned branches.
There is so much of me that I leave behind everytime i go back to Olympia. And each time i return, its waiting for me.
I can't tell if this is good or bad, I don't think its either. This is simply and purely the way I am able to connect to my past. Since i dont live my past any other time, this is when i can and do remember and even relive. Its eye opening in so many ways. It helps me understand who i am, it helps me see where I've gone, and how i have changed. Its really beautiful, really extraordinary, sad and scary.
My family. OH my wonderful family. Sometimes I feel that they don't know me. But then I realize that what im feeling is that they know me more than i know myself (almost, sort of, in a different way). I just understand myself so differently with them around. I go back to my origins. I go back.
to streets where i used to sit in a car and get high, houses filled with old energies, a city with so many vast memories that it overwhelms me with how much time ive spent here, how much ive experienced. This city holds secrets about myself that i still haven't uncovered.
it is so beautiful in such a strange strange way.
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(no subject) [Nov. 20th, 2006|12:27 pm]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |blind melon]

i miss schuyler a lot right now. I dont know what activates me missing him, it seems so back and forth. i keep thinking im past this and then i find myself crying because all i want to do is hug him and i cant. i know that if he was in olympia that it would be awful and i wouldnt be happy at all, and im really really grateful that he took off, but it still feels pretty awful when i remember how wonderful our love was.
i just have to continue to let it go. thats really hard.
i think that i am learning so much right now. i havent even really started to understand it. but its really crazy.it feels really crazy.
i need to trust myself right now. i need to trust that the way i do things is right for me.
and now, im in a different place completely.
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gleaning and simon and maybe garfunkel and definitely bob dylan [Nov. 19th, 2006|02:46 pm]
[Current Mood |melancholymelancholy]
[Current Music |simon and garfunkel bye bye love]

"Where do I begin...on the heels of Rimbaud moving like
a dancing bullet thru the secret streets of a hot New
Jersey night filled with venom and wonder. Meeting the
Queen Angel in the reeds of Babylon and then to the
fountain of sorrow to drift away in the hot mass of
the deluge... To sing praise to the King of those dead
streets, to grasp and let go in a heavenly way --
streaming into the lost belly of civilization at a
standstill. Romance is taking over. Tolstoy was right.
These notes are being written in a bathtub in Maine
under ideal conditions, in every Curio Lounge from
Brooklyn to Guam, from Lowell to Durango oh sister,
when I fall into your spacy arms, can not ya feel the
weight of oblivion and the songs of redemption on your
backside we surface alongside miles standish and take
the rock. We have relations in Mozambique. I have a
brother or two and a whole lot of karma to burn...
Isis and the moon shine on me. When Rubin gets out of
jail, we celebrate in the historical parking lot in
sunburned California..."
bob dylan

this is how i want to live my life
i am growing my own food, i want to center my life around food. thats where peace for the world lies. community building through food.
i want to write poetry and travel and dance and sing and ride my bike far distances. i want to cook and bake and cook and never stop. I want to feed people. i want to help feed organic food to the poor. i want to drink tea and i want to ecoharvest i want to study ethnobotany and pacific northwest indiginous people. i want to fall in love with everyone. and then really fall in love with one person who can read to me and i can read to and we would farm and travel and eat amazing food and build fires and live in the country maybe vermont and we would grow all of our own food and wed share it with everyone. we would enhance eachothers lives by inspiring and motivating and allowing each other to grow and keep growing.
i want to wrap myself in this winter day. and allow my tears to release all the fear inside of me. release all of the things that can never be.

my tea bag says
live to share.
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2006|05:26 pm]
and know that you create everything! so create beautifully. for yourself and the rest of us.
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two sides, many ways to live. [Nov. 18th, 2006|05:25 pm]
[Current Music |grateful dead- wind and rain]

i've seen this world from two distinct sides.I probably would never know one without knowing the other.
i am so grateful to now be seeing this world as it truly is.
the world is magical. really really magical.
open your eyes. stop your brains.
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