|I'm in the motherfucking desert
||[Oct. 21st, 2007|10:59 am]
I can't believe that I'm writing in here. Why?
I can't believe that I am in Utah working as a park ranger in one of the most remote parks in the country. I can't believe that who I once was and who I am now- and all the stages in between are all one person. When I think about my life, I am blown away- it doesn't seem possible that I experienced all of that- almost like I have been seeing glimpses into other peoples lives over the years. its strange.
none the less, it is just me, my history, my past, my now. And all of the experiences, lessons, adventures, people have combined to make..me. who i am today. ANd whats even crazier is that this person won't ever be static- won't ever stay the same. I will constantly be changing, we all will and I will constantly be revaluating how i want to live my life. there won't ever be a day when everything will be permanently settled, because nothing is permanent. My past will continue to create my now. I will continually grow and learn.
Attachment ceases growth. When we become attached to ourselves, our faces, our material objects, we create pain because we are attempting to halt the natural, dynamic process of life. I am learning to accept that nothing will be with me forever, so therefore I am experiencing each person/place and thing- loving it and thanking it for being in my life and enjoying it while it lasts and letting it go. knowing that it has affected me and therfore i carry it with me, but not focusing on it, holding it down, not letting it be free. Every moment of my life has taught me. every moment of my life has taken me to where i am standing now, and for that i am greatful for every moment. And just knowing that it has made me who i am, i can let it go, whatever it is, because it is inside of me and i don't need to continually experience it, or feel it, or be with it, because then nothing would ever change and i wouldn't ever experience anything new.
there are things that i love, so many things and people and places. and i trust that if i am meant to have them in my life, they will be there. I have lived such a beautiful life. such an amazing existence- and i trust that it will continue to amaze me. I wake up each morning so grateful for the roof over my head, or the stars above me, the vast landscape laid out before me, the sun that i get to see every day now! (not for long) the moon, the saftey and well being i have been given, the people in my life, my family, my friends, the lessons i have learned, and those that i continue to learn, for everything, because i have everything i need to live a beautiful, healthy, happy life. and how can i not express gratitude for that.
i live outside in the desert. i live amongst pinyon pines and juniper. i won't say that i don't dream of cedars and doug firs every night, of farms and the green, and the rain. but the desert has been so good to me. so so good. i have learned so much from its silence and as the experience comes to an end, i'm left knowing exactly what i want to do, where i want to be. and im pretty sure thats why i came here in the first place.
my dreams seem so feasible, so real. i know what i want! I KNOW EXACTLY what i want. and i know i can get it. i know that it can be a reality for me. this is more exciting than anything else i've ever experienced.