||[Jan. 5th, 2007|02:26 pm]
January fifth. I've been saying the dates aloud lately and allowing it to sink it. 2007. today being entirely new and fresh, its funny how we forget that every day is new and not like the day before it. i forget that all the time. it goes along with not having expectations- who knows what could happen today, it hasn't happened before? why are we drawn to what we know, i feel that i am being pulled to everything i don't know.
I am once again finding all of the magic in the universe. schuyler came back and stayed with me these last few days. it was really nice having him here. i love him so much. i give him so much of my love. its a good thing he gaves it back to me or else i would be completely empty. everything between schuyler and I is equal. thats how i see it right now. thats a really good thing. his love is so sweet, its almost too sweet, like the maple syrup he brings me from vermont. he is so beautiful to me, i could stare at him forever. he is beautiful. the four of us, dj and lindsey came over for dinner, i love us all together. we are balanced. we ate and laughed and loved. then dj and schuyler and i skipped all of the way downtown, and walked along old railroad tracks, guided by the waneing full moon. and we sang and jumped and ran and screamed and stood over the roaring sound and imagined what it would be like to jump into the water, who would win the race. oh i love them so much. we played ridiculous scrabble at the bar and interacted with the random but very olympia social scene. then had a drunk walk home.
i feel that by being with schuyler, then and now, i am able to understand love on another level. Love is feeling your whole self in the other person. not seeing two beings as seperate, but as one. when i hold him i feel like im holding myself. when i look into his eyes, i feel like im looking into my own eyes. he is me. i dont feel that these words are correctly expressing what it feels like, but i dont know how else to explain it. we talked about leaving together. about taking off. we always dream of running away. this time to the pacific crest trail, starting from Mexico and backpacking for 6 months. i want to be in the middle of nowhere with him, live on a cliff next to the river, on top of a mountain, along the ocean. i want to be in the forest with him every day. i want to be with him and know that i cannot. i wonder where this is taking me. all i know is that i could never love anyone the same way i love him. it is whole and beautiful.
ive been crying for my mother. lighting candles for her soul. seeing her in the sky and in the trees. I went for a walk by myself yesterday out to the oldest tree in olympia. it is huge and well hidden, off the beaten track. two eagles were flying back and forth, building a nest toward the top of the tree. it was so utterly powerful to watch. that tree has some beautiful magic.
i have some beautiful magic.