||[Jan. 1st, 2007|05:23 pm]
I am in such a strange strange place. caught between laughter and tears, pain and joy. Its through this loss that I begin to recognize that these emotions are the same, two sides of the same. i feel beauty and strength, but i mainly feel sorrow. i am sorrowful.|
i have come to love myself and accept myself in many ways, but at the same time i am realizing that this self is all ego and i feel myself resisting it but by resisting i am empowering it.
i crave silence, but once i get it, i wail. crying has never felt this good, like the one way i could possibly heal.
i recognize the situation i am in right now, and i accept it, fully.
and do what it is that i can do.
i still remember leaving the woods with schuyler. walking out with his backpack on my back, he followed behind lugging his stuff, and i drove him to that fucking airport. when i came back, i sat on the beach feeling entirely lost and found at the same time. the contradictions of losing something, because by losing you gain. i sat on that beach that i associated with him and i cried and knew he was crying up in the air flying to vermont. and the sky was dark and that made me feel all the worse. but as i sat there and absorbed what had been taken from me, the clouds moved and blue sky inched its way until the whole sky was blue and everything felt so much better.
i remember my mother would lay out in the sun alll day in the summer. when i was a little girl id play around her, doting her, wanting her to take part in my romantic make believes. shed always pretend to be sleeping beauty, and id be prince charming (i was always down to be the guy) and id always try and kiss her. my beautiful sun mother. i miss her so much.
i miss these moments in time, that are locked there and can never occurr again. but by loving and remembering i also know that these times are inside of me, and that my mother is in all of me, and that schuyler and my beautiful relationship did happen and is apart of me and who i am today.
i see my mother in these giant trees, i see her in the herons, and in the waves, and i feel her in my blood.
she runs through all of me.