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a beautiful Lhasa dog as my partner, she shares my warm bed and my… - Caitlin's Cookoo Crazy Journal! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Caitlin

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[Jan. 1st, 2007|01:07 pm]
Caitlin
[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |nightengale- norah jones]

a beautiful Lhasa dog as my partner, she shares my warm bed and my warm couch and my warm food with me
i am grateful to have her presence next to me, watching over me.
i sit in this half empty house, craving silence
needing my mind to stop thinking but putting it all off anyway
distracting myself with other human beings
and a doggie
i start work again tomorrow, after about a month of being gone
of being somewhere else completely
sitting and waiting for death with my family
watching it come, staring it in the face and then very surely knowing the difference between life and death
knowing what it means to be alive
seeing life in my fingers and toes and only being able to understand this after seeing life leave the fingers, toes, and face of my mother

for some reason i combine two recent events in my life
and i think that its because they both have left me feeling the same feeling
what it means to lose something that makes you whole
losing a sacred love and not ever being able to get it back, not even understanding where it went or where it came from
and losing my mother, hearing her be ready to die, surrendering to death
i am trying to understand this letting go
its connotation sounds so easy, just let go
let it go
let go
let go of everything you love, let go of everything that is apart of you
its the hardest thing ive ever had to do.
but i am doing it, none the less.
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