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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2009|03:16 pm]

I feel many things all at once. I feel the magnitude of my beliefs and I feel that I must contrast these with reality while trusting myself all the while. My feelings as of now include this rash, dire need to get away from this relationship, to do everything possible to leave these feelings of obligation. This connects into the fact that since entering into this relationship, my health has changed, my friends have changed, my house has changed, my persepectives have changed and I am left without anything familiar surrounding me. This is not good nor is it bad, it is neither, but it does make me feel isolated and uncomfortable. It disconnects me to all things that once grounded me and made me, me.

There are so many reasons why I can see myself wanting to stay in this relationship, but none hold sway, none tempt me the way leaving this behind does. It feels so easy, liberating, and freeing to disconnect from this person, to get him out of my space, and out of my thoughts. I feel like I could really focus on healing myself, on my own needs and my own priorities, but I also need to learn how to do both, how to be with another while healing myself, or even better to have the other person help me heal.

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coming and going..eventually returning [Nov. 19th, 2007|04:03 pm]
[Current Location |Fort Collins, CO]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]
[Current Music |curtis lo]

Returning back into the world has been an intense experience for me..what do you know. Coming down from the mountains of Colorado into the smog covered city of Denver, driving amidst tons of fast driving cars scared the shit out of me. When i was out in the middle of the quiet desert i couldn't really imagine what the rest of the world looked like, what cities looked like..what everyone was DOING out there. I just kind of pretended that everywhere was as silent, lovely, and peaceful as my own surroundings. I have a really hard time seeing how destroyed this world has become all because of humans. How much lack of respect we have for other life forms. It makes me want to be proactive and help but at the same time i feel overwhelmed because it seems like no one wants to change and i don't know how to make people change..plus it seems like an impossible task. Oh it makes me so sad to see the state of the world. I try to pray everynight for the earth to heal..but we need to take action. It makes me angry because change could be so simple and easy and be so effective. we could start small. All it requires is attention, not being wasteful, and lots of support from one another. Something as simple as composting all our non eaten food instead of throwing it into the garbage..and thats fucking easy..but people dont want to DEAL with their food waste.. oh man. i don't really want to be writing about this. I just know that how i am living my life and will be living my life will give back to the world instead of taking from it. I am fully ready to dedicate myself to healing the world through my own life. not driving. riding bikes, growing ALL of my own food, canning, composting, not being wasteful, recycling water.

The world does make me sad..but its also beautiful and amazing. I have liked being around other humans..lots of them. I laugh at all of the kids..kids are funny. I got to climb a tree today for the 1st time in a long time. a co-op is 5 mins away instead of 3 hours. yes there are good things. but god damn that desert has my name and my soul written all over it. I miss it so much that i have a hard time really thinking about it. but i will never forget what i learned there. and one day i shall return.

i am excited to see olympia and people that are there and to be in the forest and to check on my dream catcher and to see all that water and feel all that rain. it will be crazy. so crazy. im thinking of getting a dog, a companion to enjoy the mountains and forest with me. the farm i will be working on is on the peninsula right near the hot springs. it will be so wonderful to just spend all my non work time in the olympic rainforest and in the hotsprings.

life is really crazy. i am learning a lot right now. i am sad but know that everything comes and goes. my thoughts create my emotions.

i am love.
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I'm in the motherfucking desert [Oct. 21st, 2007|10:59 am]
[Current Location |The Maze of Canyonlands, Utah]
[Current Mood |excitedexcited]

I can't believe that I'm writing in here. Why?
I can't believe that I am in Utah working as a park ranger in one of the most remote parks in the country. I can't believe that who I once was and who I am now- and all the stages in between are all one person. When I think about my life, I am blown away- it doesn't seem possible that I experienced all of that- almost like I have been seeing glimpses into other peoples lives over the years. its strange.

none the less, it is just me, my history, my past, my now. And all of the experiences, lessons, adventures, people have combined to make..me. who i am today. ANd whats even crazier is that this person won't ever be static- won't ever stay the same. I will constantly be changing, we all will and I will constantly be revaluating how i want to live my life. there won't ever be a day when everything will be permanently settled, because nothing is permanent. My past will continue to create my now. I will continually grow and learn.

Attachment ceases growth. When we become attached to ourselves, our faces, our material objects, we create pain because we are attempting to halt the natural, dynamic process of life. I am learning to accept that nothing will be with me forever, so therefore I am experiencing each person/place and thing- loving it and thanking it for being in my life and enjoying it while it lasts and letting it go. knowing that it has affected me and therfore i carry it with me, but not focusing on it, holding it down, not letting it be free. Every moment of my life has taught me. every moment of my life has taken me to where i am standing now, and for that i am greatful for every moment. And just knowing that it has made me who i am, i can let it go, whatever it is, because it is inside of me and i don't need to continually experience it, or feel it, or be with it, because then nothing would ever change and i wouldn't ever experience anything new.

there are things that i love, so many things and people and places. and i trust that if i am meant to have them in my life, they will be there. I have lived such a beautiful life. such an amazing existence- and i trust that it will continue to amaze me. I wake up each morning so grateful for the roof over my head, or the stars above me, the vast landscape laid out before me, the sun that i get to see every day now! (not for long) the moon, the saftey and well being i have been given, the people in my life, my family, my friends, the lessons i have learned, and those that i continue to learn, for everything, because i have everything i need to live a beautiful, healthy, happy life. and how can i not express gratitude for that.

i live outside in the desert. i live amongst pinyon pines and juniper. i won't say that i don't dream of cedars and doug firs every night, of farms and the green, and the rain. but the desert has been so good to me. so so good. i have learned so much from its silence and as the experience comes to an end, i'm left knowing exactly what i want to do, where i want to be. and im pretty sure thats why i came here in the first place.

my dreams seem so feasible, so real. i know what i want! I KNOW EXACTLY what i want. and i know i can get it. i know that it can be a reality for me. this is more exciting than anything else i've ever experienced.
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light surrounds me always [Apr. 3rd, 2007|05:23 pm]
spring has brought joy and magic back into my life after a long winter of pain and loss. Ive been feeling so many extreme emotions lately. There is so much..energy in my life right now. so much excitement and anticipation, but also so much being here right now. i am healing myself and by doing this im helping to heal the people around me. its so amazing that i could never put it into words. i sometimes just scream joyfully to myself while i look around me so amazed by what i am creating.
my dad sent me a poem today that he found in my mother's journal and i sat on my porch crying not caring about the kids and dogs and families walking by. it was so beautiful. a gift from my mother. i miss her so much.
the forest is flowering and warm and happy and it shelters me and fills a void that is empty inside of me most of the time. i know more than i know anything else that my purpose here on earth is to work with plants and nature. i feel so connected to the outdoors that its undeniable. it is my love and my life.
i find that everything in my life, the things i love and the things i don't like are so divinely intended and so perfect for what i need to learn. i am grateful for all of the beauties and ugliness because i wouldnt be where i am right now without it all. i am learning so much. does anyone else learn this much? i am blown away. what's new?

really everything is new. everything is changing. i find myself whole perfect and complete. no longer looking outside myself because everything that sustains me is inside and all i have to do is reconnect to that wisdom and strength and it leads me to exactly where i need to go.
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magic. [Jan. 5th, 2007|02:26 pm]
[Current Music |xavier rudd]

January fifth. I've been saying the dates aloud lately and allowing it to sink it. 2007. today being entirely new and fresh, its funny how we forget that every day is new and not like the day before it. i forget that all the time. it goes along with not having expectations- who knows what could happen today, it hasn't happened before? why are we drawn to what we know, i feel that i am being pulled to everything i don't know.
I am once again finding all of the magic in the universe. schuyler came back and stayed with me these last few days. it was really nice having him here. i love him so much. i give him so much of my love. its a good thing he gaves it back to me or else i would be completely empty. everything between schuyler and I is equal. thats how i see it right now. thats a really good thing. his love is so sweet, its almost too sweet, like the maple syrup he brings me from vermont. he is so beautiful to me, i could stare at him forever. he is beautiful. the four of us, dj and lindsey came over for dinner, i love us all together. we are balanced. we ate and laughed and loved. then dj and schuyler and i skipped all of the way downtown, and walked along old railroad tracks, guided by the waneing full moon. and we sang and jumped and ran and screamed and stood over the roaring sound and imagined what it would be like to jump into the water, who would win the race. oh i love them so much. we played ridiculous scrabble at the bar and interacted with the random but very olympia social scene. then had a drunk walk home.
i feel that by being with schuyler, then and now, i am able to understand love on another level. Love is feeling your whole self in the other person. not seeing two beings as seperate, but as one. when i hold him i feel like im holding myself. when i look into his eyes, i feel like im looking into my own eyes. he is me. i dont feel that these words are correctly expressing what it feels like, but i dont know how else to explain it. we talked about leaving together. about taking off. we always dream of running away. this time to the pacific crest trail, starting from Mexico and backpacking for 6 months. i want to be in the middle of nowhere with him, live on a cliff next to the river, on top of a mountain, along the ocean. i want to be in the forest with him every day. i want to be with him and know that i cannot. i wonder where this is taking me. all i know is that i could never love anyone the same way i love him. it is whole and beautiful.

ive been crying for my mother. lighting candles for her soul. seeing her in the sky and in the trees. I went for a walk by myself yesterday out to the oldest tree in olympia. it is huge and well hidden, off the beaten track. two eagles were flying back and forth, building a nest toward the top of the tree. it was so utterly powerful to watch. that tree has some beautiful magic.
i have some beautiful magic.
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(no subject) [Jan. 1st, 2007|05:23 pm]
I am in such a strange strange place. caught between laughter and tears, pain and joy. Its through this loss that I begin to recognize that these emotions are the same, two sides of the same. i feel beauty and strength, but i mainly feel sorrow. i am sorrowful.
i have come to love myself and accept myself in many ways, but at the same time i am realizing that this self is all ego and i feel myself resisting it but by resisting i am empowering it.
i crave silence, but once i get it, i wail. crying has never felt this good, like the one way i could possibly heal.
i recognize the situation i am in right now, and i accept it, fully.
and do what it is that i can do.

i still remember leaving the woods with schuyler. walking out with his backpack on my back, he followed behind lugging his stuff, and i drove him to that fucking airport. when i came back, i sat on the beach feeling entirely lost and found at the same time. the contradictions of losing something, because by losing you gain. i sat on that beach that i associated with him and i cried and knew he was crying up in the air flying to vermont. and the sky was dark and that made me feel all the worse. but as i sat there and absorbed what had been taken from me, the clouds moved and blue sky inched its way until the whole sky was blue and everything felt so much better.
i remember my mother would lay out in the sun alll day in the summer. when i was a little girl id play around her, doting her, wanting her to take part in my romantic make believes. shed always pretend to be sleeping beauty, and id be prince charming (i was always down to be the guy) and id always try and kiss her. my beautiful sun mother. i miss her so much.
i miss these moments in time, that are locked there and can never occurr again. but by loving and remembering i also know that these times are inside of me, and that my mother is in all of me, and that schuyler and my beautiful relationship did happen and is apart of me and who i am today.
i see my mother in these giant trees, i see her in the herons, and in the waves, and i feel her in my blood.
she runs through all of me.
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(no subject) [Jan. 1st, 2007|01:07 pm]
[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |nightengale- norah jones]

a beautiful Lhasa dog as my partner, she shares my warm bed and my warm couch and my warm food with me
i am grateful to have her presence next to me, watching over me.
i sit in this half empty house, craving silence
needing my mind to stop thinking but putting it all off anyway
distracting myself with other human beings
and a doggie
i start work again tomorrow, after about a month of being gone
of being somewhere else completely
sitting and waiting for death with my family
watching it come, staring it in the face and then very surely knowing the difference between life and death
knowing what it means to be alive
seeing life in my fingers and toes and only being able to understand this after seeing life leave the fingers, toes, and face of my mother

for some reason i combine two recent events in my life
and i think that its because they both have left me feeling the same feeling
what it means to lose something that makes you whole
losing a sacred love and not ever being able to get it back, not even understanding where it went or where it came from
and losing my mother, hearing her be ready to die, surrendering to death
i am trying to understand this letting go
its connotation sounds so easy, just let go
let it go
let go
let go of everything you love, let go of everything that is apart of you
its the hardest thing ive ever had to do.
but i am doing it, none the less.
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you're a big girl all the way [Dec. 30th, 2006|11:45 am]
[Current Mood |gratefulgrateful]
[Current Music |bob dylan]

crying for beauty and joy, now thats what i want to save my tears for
full from the moon, full from the joy that is inside of me
blessed by the universe, awakening to knowing that the divine love and light that is inside of me needs to be shared and released into everything around me
and that this is unique
i feel the universe embracing me completely and it is one of the most safe, unspeakably beautiful feelings i've ever felt
i look up at these huge trees with many curves leading to new trunks and i smell their rich scent and feel so grateful that i am led where im led
because i am in such a lovely, wonderful place.
may i learn to share this feeling with every one.
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a return [Dec. 27th, 2006|01:04 pm]
[Current Mood |sadsad]

Once again, I reject the desert. my blood runs thin because of the decision
i feel cold, but right in what i have chosen.
the day that i stand on a mesa overlooking pinyon pines
juniper, red rocks
that will be the day that i know i am finally ready
to let go
The desert signifys so much for me.
It is a symbol of freedom from thought
it is a release of schuyler
a release of the heart that no longer belongs to me
I am drawn to Utah because its promise of answers
but right now, maybe the questions haven't even become ready
perhaps im not ready for the questions to have answers.
it makes me so sad.
but my return to olympia has so much beauty and love
this after all was my decision, and no one elses
and so i embrace it, knowing that it was the correct one
the northwest and i don't know how to let go of one another
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deciding [Dec. 26th, 2006|09:11 pm]
the only way i know to go is because who i am is telling me to go. some people would call this intuition. my intuition is imagined as the ocean, and even something like the ocean which is miles and miles away from the dreamed of destination is urging me to go.
I stare out at the tall dark trees that i have loved for so long despite my nativity to the northwest, and they tell me that they will wait, that they will still be hear.
ive been trying my best to listen to the soul of the world because its the one way i know to communicate to all beings. all things.
i try to imagine what my new life could look like. a dry desert with tall peaks, little water, no forest enclosing me. me alone to listen to the world. i don't think i know anyone else so alright with being completely isolated and alone for such a large amount of time. 6 months, 40 miles from paved road, 70 from the closest town. the silence of the desert has callled to me for such a long long time and i don't feel that i can resist it any longer. everything that i love will still be here in the northwest when i return.
life is urging me, pushing me to release my grasp. I am being told so loudly to LET GO of everything that i care for and love. I feel such an immense power, i feel such an immense courage. i feel like i am totally releasing everything. it feels fucking scary.
i get instances of doubt. my mind will think, "but what about this?" what about that? i'll miss this and that, i won't be able to do that. then clarity comes in and i see only the importance of going, not the importance of what i'm leaving behind.
i know that the one and only thing making me so brave is trust. I trust so completely where i am being led, because everything is whats leading.
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